Mickey, Vishal, and
other Anonymous friends,
I suffered a myocardial infarction
(Heart Attack), was hospitalised for angiography and angioplasty and hence was
out of action for about 15 days without a phone or my laptop,. When I was let
out of the ICU yesterday I saw several requests for another story. So I sat up all
night last night and wrote the first story that came to my mind, something that
went through the kaleidoscope of memories and flashbacks that resulted from sedation.
There was another distinct romantic flashback, about how I did hot-pursuit of a
girl from GCW Chandigarh when I was about 26-27. That flashback was a bit
mushy, Mills & Boon type, stuff that may embarrass the lady if I write
about it – so I shall stick to my core talent, the adventure of another kind,
about aeroplanes and not chocolate and roses. Here it is, for you guys out
there. Dead Stick is a euphimism, pilot jargon, for a 'Crash Landing'.
I am back, as good as new.
Cheers.
'I say, can you
take Ravish Kumar and teach him aerobatics?’, my Flight Commander asked me on manic Monday afternoon, I think on 12 Oct 1981. It was an awful, hot, cloudy
and windy day in Elementary Flying School (EFS) at Bidar. I wonder why the IAF
chose Bidar as a place to teach young people to fly. Bidar was famous for three things. Eternal salvation of the soul at ‘Papnash’
temple or the ‘Nanak Jhira’ Gurudwara. If the
soul was not appeased in either of these
abodes, Bidar had about nine hundred tombs to incarcerate them for postirity.
‘Sure,’ I answered,
grabbing my Bone Dome (flying helmet). ‘What is wrong with Ravish?’
‘Nothing wrong,
just the usual things.’
‘Where is his
instructor?’, I wanted to know. ‘Oh alright, I know where they are,’ I answered
my own question. Those days the helicopter pilots were in great demand in EFS
to teach aerobatics. The fighter jocks were all lining up to go to Iraq to get
salaries in Dinar, and a Volkswagen Golf
car on their return, that was the third salvation, of a materialistic kind.
‘Ravish’, I
screamed in the corridor.
A tall dark handsome young gentleman came running from the ‘Ditch’ in front of the operations building, wearing a bone dome and the Oxygen mask clipped to his face. The parachute was bumping up and down behind his derriere. It was a very comical sight which reminded me of the first meeting between Hanuman and Ram in a Ramlila drama in the heartland of Bihar.
‘What is your
name?’ I asked the apparition who looked liked Hanuman.
‘Rrrrrr
kkkkkrrrrrrr,’ he said through his Oxygen mask.
‘Take off your
f***ing mask,’ I commanded. He obeyed with great relief. He also took off his
bone dome as well as parachute. I think he was dying to strip down to his
underwear. It was almost 420C in the ditch. The ‘Ditch’ was the war
zone where pilot aspirants were sent to learn combat environment when they were
not learning to fly. No one, including me, ever learnt to fly in EFS Bidar
without spending time in the Ditch. The Tombs were the places where we went at
night with a bottle of rum to appease the permanent tenants, and to
convince them not to give us a place amongst them. We usually went to Papnash and the Gurudwara to ogle at the
girls, another form of appeasement of the soul.
‘Are you alright,’
I asked Hanuman. ‘Do you need a drink?’
‘Yes Sir, a drink
and a pee’, he said running off to the water cooler positioned near the toilet
precisely for such contingencies in EFS Bidar. After a stint in the war zone,
everybody had to have a drink and a pee, that is an Air Force tradition.
I went to the
hangar to find myself an aircraft. The hangar was always full of HT-2 aircraft,
the trouble was that very few could fly. The only one who knew whether an HT-2
could fly was God and the Chief Engineering Officer (C-Eng-O). I couldn’t find God, it was rather too hot for
him in Bidar. The C-Eng-O was under one of the HT-2s fitting an engine on Cowl
No 840 bristling with silver paint, looking brand new. If you gave the C-Eng-O
a gristly 140 year old pilot, he would retrofit him with brand new teeth, a new
pair of shoes and give him a coat of silver paint to make him look like a
teenager. He was a ‘make-over’
specialist. Those years I did not trust
him one bit, except my life. I kept it with him for safe custody like 'Davy Jone's locker'. He was an
engineering gift from God, when God was absent from Bidar.
‘Do you want an
aircraft to fly ?’, the C-Eng-O asked enthusiastically while tightening the
bolts on an engine that did not have any oil smears. I never trust an aero-engine
that has no oil smears. Usually that means that it has no lubricant oil in it’s
tank. But here was God, dressed like the C-Eng-O whispering from below the
engine, ‘Take this, take this, take 840’, he said.
‘All right, push
it out, I will see whether it is a bird,’ I said with new found wit and wisdom.
‘Do you know how
to take off?’, I asked Ravish.
‘Yes Sirrrrrrrrr’,
he shouted at me like a drill 'usthad' in NDA. I think he had been told that one had to
be very soldierly to be a pilot.
‘Do you know how
to land?, I asked taking a few steps back, lest he decide to show military
manoeuvring.
‘Yes
Sirrrrrrrrrr’, he said. And very conspiratorially he confided, ‘Most of the
time the HT-2 swings on landing.’
‘Happens to me
too.’ I did not tell him that. Instead I asked, ‘What is wrong with your
aerobatics?’
‘The HT-2 goes
into a spin when I do the loop Sirrrrrrrrrrrr’, he was back to the parade
ground tactics.
‘Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh’,
I said probably sounding like a bugle. ‘I am the right chap to teach you
aerobatics. I am a helicopter pilot. I neither know the loop nor the spin, let
us go and learn it together.’
So Ravish, who knew
how to take off, took off in 840 with me sitting in the rear cockpit with no
idea where we were going. The guy in the
rear cockpit was not supposed to see where he was going, that is why we were
taught astrology when we became Qualified Flying Instructors (QFIs). Ravish
asked for ‘Tow Line South’, the road that goes to Zaheerabad, probably he felt
homely there. Like a good QFI, I kept my mouth shut, and my hands in my
pockets, enjoying the ride from the back. I was quite opinionated that a QFI’s
job was to let the pupil learn to fly on his own. Ravish climbed to 8000 feet
and started to do aerobatics, mostly loops which became hammer stalls half way
and ended up in violent spins.
‘What shall we
do?’, he would ask when we went into uncontrolled spins. It was quite scary.
I would pretend
that I did not hear Ravish.
Ravish soon learnt
to do perfect hammer stalls, and spin recoveries, but not loops.
‘Keep trying,’ I
encouraged from the back. ‘That is how Robert Bruce won back Switzerland, could
be Scotland or Holland’, the terrible experience of aerobatics was making my
geography lucid and the earth was looking quit flat.
So Ravish climbed
again and again to 8000 feet, spun and came down to 2500 feet, climbed up all
over again to spin and start again. We kept going further and further away from
Bidar, I think I could see Zaheerabad not too far away. There were Khunders, deep crevices below me.
Ravish did a
wingover and got the HT-2 into a steep dive. He closed throttle partially. The
prop and the engine revved up to a screaming crescendo. He yanked the stick
back and I got rammed into my seat with the increased G forces like a roller
coaster. Ravish allowed the nose to keep going up and up and kept pulling back
on the stick kicking the rudder for the heck of it. He looked left and right
and corrected the wings tips to be equal on both horizons and in the bargain
forgot to keep pulling back. He threw
his head back to look for the horizon that was now on our back. But the HT-2
was not going that way. It was going vertically up like a Saturn rocket
destined for the moon. I could see and interpret all that, I was a QFI, I had a
certificate which said that I was one of those.
Somewhere near space,
where the clouds and the moon hangs around, the combined weight of the HT-2,
Ravish, his parachute, and my bashed up QFI blubber in the rear cockpit became
more than the inertia of the poor HT-2 which was trying to go to the moon. With
a sigh it began to slide backwards, tail first. Now that is not an
aerodynamically healthy state in the bibles written by ‘Wright Brothers’ or Naval
Aviators. So the HT-2 flipped over, hammer stalled, heading for the earth.
Somewhere along
the line Ravish probably said ‘enough is
enough’ and let go the controls without telling me. I think he probably
felt that I was just ballast. So the HT-2 began to spin like a top, rapidly going round and round. Sometimes
the sky was above us and sometimes the ground and sky exchanged places. The
positive and negative G made me sick. I did nothing. I was a QFI wasn’t I ? I
am not supposed to do anything so that my student can learn to fly. Well that was
my ethical and moralistic opinion on such things.
As we went around,
there was a loud tearing and metal shearing noise, a bit of violent shaking. I
saw something flying past me, about couple of feet from my head and I heard
something striking the tail about five feet behind where I was sitting.
‘Sir the Propeller
has stopped’, Ravish called over the intercom.
‘No my friend, the
prop has flown off’, I corrected him.
‘Sir, the engine
has stopped, all temperature and pressure normal.’
‘No Ravish, the
temperature and pressure has no meaning. Look ahead and see what is in front of
you’, I suggested.
‘Sir we have no
engine’, Ravish quipped.
“Yes my friend, we
neither have a prop nor an engine, the f***ing things has also taken the rudder
with it, what would you like to do?’
‘Sir you got the
controls,’ he passed the buck to me. Well I didn’t complain, because that is
why I was a QFI. A QFI was a scapegoat, he was always the fall guy who was
stuck with the bath water after the baby jumped and ran away from the tub.
‘Would you like to
bail out Ravish, just to see how it feels to come down in a parachute?’, I
asked him without guile. I had done that sort of thing earlier, many times. I
was a qualified paratrooper too. It was Ravish’s turn to go mum on me. I now
had little or no choice.
‘May Day, May Day,
May Day,’ I called Bidar Approach control on the radio. ‘We have lost our
engine and the prop’, I announced with sadness. I just don’t like losing Govt property. ‘I think some of my tail is also gone,’ I
confided to the ATC so that they could start writing the court of inquiry
report immediately.
‘Request intentions?’,
Bidar Air Traffic Controller asked me rather stupidly.
‘Well I would like
to go up, but Newton is going to take me down. I am around 30 km from Bidar so
I promise to force land in some Khunder
near Zaheerabad’.
There was silence
from Bidar Air Traffic Control (ATC). I could imaging that they were
frantically trying to inform everyone from the Station Commander, Chief
Instructor, C-Eng-O, CFI, Flt Cdr, all the way down to the Chaprasi. The
Chaprasi was an important man on the ‘Inform During Accident’ list pasted in
the ATC. He was required to sweep the guys off the floor after an accident.
‘Bidar, request
winds’, I asked because I had to ask the ATC something.
‘Surface winds
130, gusting to 40 kts,’ he announced.
It was incredible.
I had 30-40 kts tail winds. There was no prop wind milling and hence the HT-2
was gliding towards Bidar like a bull in heat. I smelled fire, but there was
nothing I could do about it. Instead of a forced landing in some Khandar near Zaheerabad I decided to go
towards Bidar. The HT-2 kept gliding like a high performance glider, it just wouldn’t
come down. Before I said ‘Jack Robinson’, we were nearing Bidar Airfield. I
could see other HT-2s being asked to go away to give me priority. I tried to
recollect the practice force landing procedure. ‘High Key’ and ‘Low Key’, the
places where I had to reach at a predetermined height so that my descent would
be controlled and I could make an approach and landing. The trouble was that
the bloody HT-2 had no drag, it was not descending, just running forward as
fast as I could make it go.
‘Call High Key’,
the ATC demanded.
‘I am at High
Key’, I replied.
‘Call Low Key’,
the ATC commanded like Emperor King George the 5th after the
Coronation in Delhi.
‘I am low Key’, I
replied with some uncertainty.
‘You are too high,
do a 360,’ our venerable Chief
Instructor (CI) who usually spoke only
in Punjabi spoke to me in clipped Birmingham accent due to his consternation
and anxiety. I think he was using a radio set fitted on his jeep.
I was nicely
positioned, about five km from touchdown, only around a thousand feet higher. I
had no rudder and hence quite difficult to turn the ruddy HT-2. This was no time to obey the CI, though I knew that he was going
to castrate me if I disobeyed.
I did what came
naturally to me, like a helicopter pilot. I shoved the stick fully to one side,
shoved the nose down, kicked full opposite rudder though there was little
control I side- slipped the HT-2 like auto-rotating a MI-4. I dumped full
flaps, and dive bombed the HT-2 aiming right for the CI’s jeep parked right on
the dumbbell. I could see the portly Sikh CI running for cover. I skimmed over
the jeep, gradually flared the HT-2 which was facing Papnash and not the runway, controlled direction with a 450
bank and kept floating. I think God was still around Papnash or Nanak Jhira or
he may have been sitting on the top of one of the Tombs watching my antics. God
may have decided that the C-Eng-O and the IAF needs 480 in one piece. Or maybe
he kind of liked my nocturnal outings with the bottle of rum to the tombs.
You will have to
tax your imagination and believe me when I say this that I touched down, a
perfect three pointer, with my wings
level, rolled down the runway for around 150 feet and never swung the HT-2 even
though I never had a rudder. I think some differential braking did the trick. I
have never, ever, done a 3 pointer landing in an HT-2 with greater élan than
that day. I usually swung on all other landing and got away only because I
blamed the pupils.
I jumped out of
480, grabbed Ravish by the neck and told him to pee.
‘Get out and piss
on the engine bay’, I commanded, hosing down 480 front section with my own
built in fire hydrant.
The CI gave me a
lift in his jeep from the dumbbell back to the dispersal, with Ravish at the
back.
The CI didn’t say
a word on the way back. He took me straight back to the dispersal, to another
HT-2. ‘Teri Pen Di’, the
CI told me forgetting his Birmingham accent. ‘Take another HT-2, go and finish
your sortie,’ he commanded. ‘If you piss on my aircraft again, I will cut off
your Gulli,’ he said with some mirth.
480 was back on
the flight line next day with new engine, propeller, rudder; all with a new
coat of silver paint. I told you that our then C-Eng-O was a gifted magician. I
think he was given a very well deserving medal for his incredibly sincere and
meritorious service. But despite his offer, I refused to get my Gully painted silver. Ravish was sent
off to the Fighter Training Wing in Hakkimpet because he had learnt enough to
become a 24 carat fighter pilot, all by himself. The venerable CI went on to
very successfully command several operational stations in war and peace with
same élan, sometimes using gully and sometimes
a danda, because that was what my
generation coveted, it was as good as a paternal hug and a pat.
Me ? Well, I was
kicked out of Bidar and sent to sort out couple of more guys who required inspiration
to fly and afterwards to EPNER in France to become an Experimental Test Pilot,
without a silver Gully. I always held
aircraft in high esteem, never peed on it, only behind it, when no one was
looking. That was, in my opinion, a personal, respectful and affectionate gesture
between aircraft and I.
Cyclic

