18 May 2013

'Dragon Drools in DBO’

Beijing was smothered with early morning smog, most unusual for 1st May, the Labour Day holiday. Despite the breathless atmosphere, the black made in China Geely GE, copycat Rolls-Royce, sped past the Tiananmen Square and the entrance to old forbidden city, past the monument to the ‘People's Heroes’ and headed for the south side entrance to the ‘Great Hall of the People’, to the office of the President of the Republic Of China. The conscientious Chinese traffic police recognised the peculiar car and it’s single occupant and waved their batons to let the car speed past the red traffic lights unhindered. ‘Geng Huichang’, generally known as ‘Hoochy Character’ sat at the back speaking on his mobile phone.

 Ching Chang Shu, Rat Chandni, how do you do?’, he barked into his mobile phone (English Translation : I don’t care, pack up the mother f***ers in their underwear and bring them to the meeting on time. I want them there).

 As Minister Of State Security, Hoochy Character was the most powerful man in China. He had the power to arrest or send to the gallows any man in China including Hu Jintao or Wen Jiabao, the ex President and Premier of the Republic of  China. Hoochy could not fathom why Xi Jin-ping or Li Ke-qiang, the current President and Premier wanted them there in the meeting in the first place, Hu and Wen were already history. Sometimes, Hoochy just obeyed orders without asking Hu, Wen or Why. He had been asked to also get hold of the Chief of the Guoanbu 2nd  Division of the PLA GHQ, who was responsible for collecting military information. He could quite guess why Gin & Tonic and King Kong wanted them there for this early morning meeting. ‘It could only be to screw Fang’, he mused. The Govt Of India had given the ‘De Marche’ orders to the Chinese ambassador in New Delhi, but he had refused to march off. Five silly tents in Daulat Beg Oldi was too ‘Oldi’ a matter to take any serious cognisance in Sino-Indian relations.  

 ‘7 O’clock on a May Day, Jesus f***ing Christ’; when Hoochy was exasperated, he switched to American slang, a lifetime habit inculcated from monitoring the CIA on the Great Wall of China as well as his frequent reciprocal trips to the promenade on the Golden Gate Bridge. When the CIA ‘walked the talk’, the Chinese liked to do the same. Just to spite the politicals and Fang, Hoochy had also ordered the heads of the 3rd as well as the 4th Division of the GHQ, both of them ‘Shang Jiang’ (4 star Generals) who technically had very little to do with the meeting, they were simply the eves droppers, or the ones who monitored the telecommunications and collected ELINT, the ‘Peeping Toms’ who loved to monitor the sex life of orang-utans in everyone’s ‘Parliament’ .  The others that Hoochy had summoned to the meeting on the orders of Gin & Tonic were Xi Jinping (Chairman Of the Central Military Commission), Chang Wanquan (Minister Of National Defence) and lastly the venerable ‘Yi-Ji-Shang Jianng’ (5 star General Of The Army, equivalent to a Field Marshall) Fang Fenghui (Chief Of PLA General Staff).

‘That bugger, Fenghui is going to bare his Fang over Daulat Beg Oldi’, mused Hoochy as he ran up the steps into the cavernous innards of  the Great Hall of the People.

It was just quarter to seven, but Hoochy was a punctual man and he wanted to be there when Gin & Tonic decided whether to go to war with India over five tents in DBO.   

 ‘Kiska Naam Chin Chin Choo, Are Baba Chin Chin, Choo, How Do You Do, Helen, Howrah Bridge 1958 ?’, barked Gin & Tonic directly at Yi-Ji-Shang Jianng Fang Fenghui (English Translation : Who the f*** told you to induct troops into Daulat Beg Oldi ?).

 Fenghui as expected bared his Fangs, smiling cordially and pointing at King Kong with his chin and goatee beard. ‘Raat chaandni main aur tu, hello, mister, how do you do? Meraa naam chin-chin-chuu, chin-chin-chuu baabaa chin-chin-chuu, raat chaandni main aur tuu, hello, mister, how do you do? Waah waah, waah waah, waah waah $%#@*&’, Fenghui let fly a long diatribe.  (English Translation : ‘I have been advocating a forward policy for decades, but none of you f***ers U, Hu, or Wen found time to listen to me, we need to keep the f***ing Indi and Hindi in their place and the best place to shove a bamboo up their ass is at Daulat Beg Oldi, it is a bung hole any way’).

 Baabuji main Cheen se aayi, Cheeni jaisaa dil laayi, Singaapur kaa yauvan meraa shaanghaai ki angdaayi, Baabuji main cheen se aayi’…….they argued.

Dil par rakh le haath zaraa, ho jaaye na paagal tuu’,…….they pleaded

Meraa naam chin-chin-chuu, chin-chin-chuu baabaa chin-chin-chuu’, they reiterated.
Raat chaandni main aur tuu, hello, mister, how do you do?’ Fang thumbed the table with his fist.
Meraa naam chin-chin-chuu, Chin-chin-chuu, baabaa chin-chin-chuu, raat chaandni main aur tuu, hello, mister, how do you do?’, placated Jumping Jack and Hoochie.
‘Wah wah, wah wah, wah wah’ ………. They debated between themselves - Hu, Wen, where, what, why, Gin & Tonic, King Kong, the Generals, the Field Marshall, and of course my contact in China, the Hoochy Character.

 As soon as I can translate all that what happened above into English, tonight after 2 L St OM, I will be right back. The situation is not good. Repeated ‘Wah Wah’ is an indicator that the Fang’, the Chinese Field Marshall of the PLA, he wants UP & Bihar in lieu of the tents at DBO. I think all the top notch politicals in Delhi, including some of the femme fatals, they are all catching the first flight to the US for organ transplant – to get their balls removed. Only the lady on the elephant has agreed to go to China. It is quite possible that all 3.3 billion Chinese may come running to India when she goes there, even the Chinese cannot stand her.

In the meanwhile our fishy smelling Salmon, the ‘Mogambo Khush Hua’ fellow, has thrown up his hands. He has promised to stop eating Hakka noodles and has switched to American Chopsuey. The Chinese seem to have made incursions and set up tents in other places too, in what is being referred to by foreign office in South Block in Delhi as the ‘tent diplomacy’. The South Block guys, the ones from Ministry of External Affairs have brought themselves ‘Chinese Commodes’ and given up ‘Western Commodes’. The Chinese one is an upgraded version of the WC, the Indian weapon of mass destruction, it helps catapult crap all over DBO.

 The Army HQ has asked MOD procurement wing to immediately tender for one lakh whistles and flags of different colours to wave and whistle at the Chinese. The tune of whistling is being changed to ‘Auld Lang Sang’ to confuse the Chinese who are singing ‘DBO Sang’, the Tibetan national anthem. All Madrasi regiments are not to be issued with flags. They have been ordered to take off their Lungi and wave it with reverence. I believe the COAS has an alternate plan to blow the ‘Last Post’ on the trumpet to remind the Chinese that ‘we shall overcome’, every border pillar is the COAS’s Longewala. The Army HQ NBC cell has alternate plans too. They plan to feed our troops with Mahabali Tiffin Room (MTR) freeze fried ‘Moolie Ka Paratha’ to make them all into ‘Chemical Ali’ from Bagdad and make them fart at the Chinese, mustard gas, worst chemical warfare since WW-I.  Lastly the COAS plans to use the strategic weapon, the fly swat, and get rid of the Chinese flies in DBO. Army HQ and the COAS, as also other service HQ and their chiefs are not supposed to piss or shit without asking the MOD, ‘Sir can I pee, can I crap ?’. The MOD unfortunately maintains a stoic silence of the lambs and marvel the Chinese Commode technology to fling crap at OROP. The Defence Secretary has told the services, ‘Yours is not to reason why, but to fart and die’. 

 I think ‘People Of India’ a very patriotic TV programme run by Bakra Dutt has plans to invite the Chinese to come and pitch their tents next to India gate. Bakra Dutt has promised that buggers will get ‘Shiela Ki Jawani’ Dengue and become more yellow. Perhaps the Chinese will go home sneezing, ‘Chin Chin Choo, Are Baba Chin Chin, Choo’ (English Translation: ‘Crazy f***ing Indians’, velly velly bad, even their lice these days is not Basmati).

 If I can get hold of An-Thony, I will try and ask him to hoist his lungi at half-mast and go to DBO to give a ‘General Salute’ to the Chinese. His 0.22 rifle may upgrade to a 105 mm field gun if someone blows on it. Perhaps he could give Yi-Ji-Shang Jianng Fang Fenghui the PLA Field Marshall a scare of his life if the 0.22 rifle turns to a 105 mm field gun. Everyone is asking ‘Where are Mana Mohana and Sonia Ji ?’. Personally I think they are hiding in the Nuclear Bunker because elections are due. Neither have balls to face the Chinese. They require organ transplant like me. What a good.

 Cheers, St OM is in a plastic bottle now and the bloody thing tastes like crap. What a bad.